Below is the first notes I ever received for my screenplay of Dig Down:
NOTE: Everything in these notes are suggestions – take what you like and leave the rest. We do not want you to lose your voice in the process of re-writing!
COMMENTS: DIG DOWN is a lot of fun to read and it’s intelligent and clever. One of the strengths of the script is ROB’s continual development until he’s really just one of the worst people ever and it’s fun and tragic to see all the reveals until the end. This is a script where everyone is horrible, except for PRESTON, and no one takes responsibility for their being horrible, blaming Rob. This line to that isn’t always believable even though through his conversations with his father, we understand where Rob sits in the midst of what happened. To go after the money guy when AXEL is clearly the one who manifested most of these crimes doesn’t always jibe but ultimately Rob is so bad himself it doesn’t matter.
The writer doe an excellent job throwing constant conflict Rob’s way and the chase and action scenes are tightly choreographed and quite well written. They’re fun to read, unique at times and seeing Rob get the worst of it is enjoyable. Some scenes like Rob not going back even for a moment to get the gold are puzzling and there are a few plot beats to fill, but this isn’t where any major problems lie.
The biggest issues in the script are structure and occasional character development. Briefly, but importantly, the development of RUTH needs to happen. Her strength and ultimately her fury ought to come, not only from Rob being horrible but by something between the two that is broken. They both hate one another but we don’t know why. Using the one scene that we see of her and showing smaller beats of it earlier so we understand their hatred would really help Then eventually we can realize she’s his wife. That reveal doesn’t need to come sooner, but we need to know the conflict between Rob and this woman.
Though not particularly difficult to follow, the script lacks beats to help the narrative. Because there is a consistent flow of action and movement, the beats that would help structure how Rob ultimately got framed would help. The inciting incident, connective beat and midpoint are all vague or not present. Establishing these as well as cutting back the repetition in the scenes between Rob and Preston (though these are so well written), would help tighten the story and give the reader the narrative beats that keep us engaged and get to everyone emerging in Lake Tahoe a little sooner.
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Please check your script for spelling and grammatical errors.
How is ROB panicky if slumped over the steering wheel? Is he hiding himself until the police car passes?
The CALLER ID name ought to be art of description in the formatting, not dialogue unless it’s speaking aloud. Is she phone announcing who’s calling?
The set-up of ROB coming to PRESTON for help after a long absence is a strong way into the script. The writer has started us off with several aspects of conflict, which is the best way to get to know our characters and their story.
I suggest being very limited in Rob speaking aloud to himself. It’s exposition. We can see that Rob is struggling with the suitcase so is his dialogue on page 2 necessary? Ideally the scene is set up strongly enough that he doesn’t need to say anything. The tone of the scene and his action and emotional tell a story.
On page 3 is this briefcase meant to be the suitcase?
Rob’s speaking aloud works on page 3 around HARRINGTON’s chaos. Is there a reason the chaos is there if THE SHARK interrupts Rob’s flow?
I suggest building a bit more around MRS. HARRINGTON’ death. Did she collapse after her jog or did Rob shoot her through the window? Whatever it is, we ought to have a sense of what’s happened, otherwise it’s a bit abstract.
I suggest making it clearer – not just by the time, that the scene with Preston is from earlier before Rob came out with the case. Though the back and forth eventually becomes comfortable, the first time could use a bit of help. We want to make sure the structure of the story works as smoothly as possible.
The scene with Preston ending on page 7 is well written. Rob’s nervous energy works well and Preston listing everything Rob’s accused of, and the national news about him, raises the stakes immediately. This is all good forward moving development.
The Shark gives us some good back story and Rob’s present day danger with EL VOLCAN. Rob has it coming at him from every angle. We don’t get the El Volcan story until Act Three and it could be a bit clearer here – a few lines that intimate his trafficking.
On page 9 it seems like the COP CAR is right by The Shark and Rob. I suggest readjusting this spatially. Can the writer clarify where they are in relation to the two men?
Is The Shark sounding like that because his jaw is broken? Perhaps note that as it was hard to sound out.
The beat of them understanding what The Shark was saying is great, but they let it go too quickly. STOGEY’s dialogue can be cut back on page 12. I suggest cutting the lines about nicknames right now to keep this exposition clear on page 12.
By page 13, we’re wondering is Rob speaking to himself? Is this VO? Is it breaking the fourth way? It’s distracting.
There is isn’t a strong inciting incident. So much is happening already that there isn’t another beat that comes to focus the script. Stogey believes he could be innocent and that does come up later but it’s not the crux of the story. Because there is continual action in the script, having some clear structural beats would help a story be told instead of just having Rob be chased around.
Why does Rob say he’s not getting any help from the cops? The cops didn’t believe The Shark and one of them suspects he might be being framed. What did he think they would do right here on page 13?
Preston’s dialogue about who Rob was is great character description on page 14. This continues with strong backstory about their working together and Rob changing as he felt neglected by Preston. These conversations between father and son, though ultimately too repetitive, are a great way to tell Rob’s story.
Though their conversation is overloaded it feels as thigh they know it could be the last time they have a chance to get it all out so it works.
Make it clear the conversation between AXEL and Rob is on the phone (through the phone, not o.s.)
Axel’s plan is laid out on page 18. I suggest adding something like, “thick as thieves” so we see their friendship at the time amidst the page 19 flashback.
It’s hard to understand how Rob thinks leaving town will make all this go away. We don’t yet know what’s happened except a politician died.
There is a bit if a connective scene about VICKI and getting to her and out of town. This is a structural beat that ought to connect with the inciting incident and move this narrative forward. Moving backwards this could help establish the inciting incident around page 11.
The MINIVAN DRIVER’s rage is a great beat saving Rob from ROCCO on page 22. Clever moves and tone. The pacing here is strong as Rob is caught up in all the people in the mall.
Vicky is younger than we thought – a teenager! Her edict to get her ‘medicine’ before they leave puts another stone in Rob’s path on page 25. What does Rob do about this until he encounters REGINALD? How was he going to get this medicine>
As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter.
Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this.
The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters.
Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally.
I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch.
On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line.
Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either.
On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub.
Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34.
What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it?
Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it.
The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already.
Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men.
The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long.
The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work.
Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition.
By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this.
What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal?
If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal.
Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50.
Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely.
There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things.
Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened.
With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this.
Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death?
The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters.
Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association?
Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish).
Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship.
Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob.
On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him
apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart.
How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?
Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense.
What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire?
Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human.
Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76.
It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it.
Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope.
Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80.
What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them.
We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible.
Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84.
Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob.
Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development.
Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here?
Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94.
Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan.
Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for?
That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One.
I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific.
We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed.
Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter.
Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108.
The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending.