26) As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter. -Positive
27) Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this. -Positive
28) The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. -Positive- We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters. -Very fair note- hopefully with addresses to three previous points, this can be resolved
29) Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally. -Positive
30) I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch. -Possibly fair note- will need to read this part of the script and analyze
31) On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line. -Very fair note – will change -Fixed
32) Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either. -Fair note – will revise -Fixed, or at least should be
33) On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub. -Fair note- this could be shown earlier -Fixed, addressed with earlier flashback
34) Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34. -Disagree w/ this – will check the description, but think everything indicates whatever’s in the suitcase is very valuable to Rob.
35) What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it? -Could be a fair point – thought I had set up he needs to get away from Rocco, but I can ramp it up by Rob thinking Rocco is done with Kine and coming out of the backroom, especially with Rob potentially going for the suitcase first
36) Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it. -Note I hope to address in previous note -Feel I’ve addressed this with Rob seeing Kine about to rat him out, and Rocco’s looming shadow in the back doorway
37) The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already. -Will reread, but could be fair. -Agreed when I re-read this for Page Turners, believe I addressed by moving one flashback scene to here, adding another
38) Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men. -Disagree w/ this – there should be signs that Rob isn’t as good as he’s portraying himself
39) The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long. -Will take a look at, see what could be revised
40) The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work. -Positive
41) Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition. -Positive
42) By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this. -Good note- need to clarify why Rob is the scapegoat for everything -Addressed with the new flashback scenes in beginning of the script
43) What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal? -Good note- this could use clarification/rewrite -I had just removed this
44) If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal. -Disagree w/ this, feel I mentioned he has no idea who Rocco is from the start, also the who is this guy through mall
45) Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50. -Could be fair – can probably reword/rewrite “…just need to get to the coyote….just need to get to the coyote…” -Fixed. Addressed this with him being truthful with himself that this isn’t really the case
46) Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely. -Just removed this. Keep a little back and forth with himself later, but this was cut.
47) There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things. -Positive
48) Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened. -Positive
49) With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this. -MAJOR NOTE – this will be something else to address with the structure of the script -Fixed. Addressed this much earlier with those new flashbacks of why Axel and the Senators are targeting him.
50) Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death? -Not really sure what to do about this note