51) The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters. -Also feel this is now addressed
52) Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association? -An idea: Reginald’s source of income has been locked up. Expected to find Rob here, figured Rob would have finances for escape plan, just take his
53) Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish). -Good note – can fix this with Stogey being there as well, and killed by the sicarios (or another cop)
54) Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship. -Very fair note – will need to work in as part of the changes to structure. -Fixed, added an earlier scene where she arrives at the mansion, establishing it, and is greeted by the Sicarios. Believe this also sets up the animosity (along with other scenes of the dire straits she’s in as a result of Rob) toward her husband.
55) Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob. -…Positive? Comment?
56) On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him
apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart. -Fair note – can just cut
57) How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?
58) Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. -These two points are fair. Think I will just keep the second one that he tries to lie and say Rob is dead. Maybe while Reginald is writhing toward his own death
59) What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire? -Fair point – will say its a grenade. Will also make revision to make it clear about the effects of the explosion -Addressed with Miguel shouting ‘Grenadio’ before the explosion.
60) Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human. -Positive. Or just another comment.
61) Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76. -Fair – even I felt I was playing this up too much -Fixed, this should be toned down now
62) It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it. -Positive
63) Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope. -Positive
64) Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80. -Good note – again, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, she appears in multiple flashbacks now.
65) What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them. -Same as above, good note, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, we find out he robbed her, left her with nothing and to face the hitmen after him, had a gun pointed in her face, had to sell what little she had to get revenge
66) We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible. -Positive…? Comment?
67) Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84. -Positive
68) Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob. -Positive
69) Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development. -Positive
70) Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here? -Disagree w/ this. Feel like I address it, though will check. -Should be fixed. Added a line from Rob on page one that this was the first place they made love, established this place with this meaning was where the coyote was supposed to pick them up, and have the original line that the owners called him to pick up his junkie daughter.
71) Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94. -Positive
72) Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan. -Positive
73) Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for? -Positive. Do feel I addressed that Axel is in the way of Javy and especially Rocco shooting at Rob with Vicky being used as a human shield.
74) That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One. -Positive
75) I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific. -Fair – though thought I had it, can clarify
76) We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed. -Positive
77) Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter. -Don’t know I agree, but can change -Fixed, just removed it
78) Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108. -Positive
79) The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending. -Positive