Hello everyone.
These were the notes I received for the categories Dig Down was judged on when I submitted my script to the Santa Barbara Screenplay Competition:
Comments:
Concept/Originality
DIG DOWN is a bold and pulse-pounding take on the last-man-standing crime subgenre.
With its cast of reprehensible characters trying to annihilate one another, it could appeal
to audiences that enjoy films like City on Fire and Reservoir Dogs. However, for the
script to really stand out it will need an extra dash of style and idiosyncrasy.
Structure
The dual time frame structure works well. The tension remains tight in the present-tense
manhunt story while the audience learns, through flashbacks, how the protagonist got into
this mess in the first place. The flashbacks themselves could use more structure. The
scenes that focus on the father and son unpacking the past are less energetic than the
scenes that show the younger Rob in action. The scene with Rob in the club, for example
(page 20), works well. We see that he’s striking out, down on himself, and susceptible to
Axel’s seduction. More flashbacks of Rob playing Faust to Axel’s devil, getting in deeper
and deeper, and finally being unable to stop the machine he has set in motion, would give
the story a stronger spine.
Plot
The plot is carefully constructed, with two bracingly unpredictable twists. The
denouement is satisfying and all the setups of the first two acts pay off enjoyably at the
end. This is one of those rare screenplays in which there are no significant plot holes that
need repairing. However, the plot sometimes takes center stage, with detailed
explanations of what happened and what’s supposed to happen next. Some of this can be
scaled back, and more emphasis added to the relationships. In particular, Rob’s
relationships with the women in his life should be more fully developed.
Pacing
The high-octane action sequences are tightly paced and suspenseful. The momentum
stalls during some of the standoffs, when the characters have guns trained on each other
and we’re waiting for the balance of power to shift. These scenes could be condensed or
leavened with humor and character quirks. The pace needs to accelerate somewhat in the
last 10 pages. Once we learn that Rob has murdered his own father, the audience will no
longer be rooting for him. We’ll want him to get his comeuppance. It’s time to wrap it up.
Characters
Rob is a compelling, ambiguous main character, but his personality needs to be fleshed
out more fully. Antiheroes are tricky. The audience needs to perversely identify with
them. If we really see the younger Rob at his lowest moment, we’d follow his rise and
demise with more empathy (Arthur Fleck in Joker is a good example). Or if he were truly
an evil genius, he would earn the admiration, if not the moral approval, of the audience.
For example, in the scene where he murders his father with a blunt instrument. Preston is
already in failing health, and Rob could find a way to dispatch him and make it look
natural. The parade of violent antagonists is fun to watch, and the action descriptions are
effective at conveying their scariness. They could be even more memorable with some
oddities or comical character quirks of the kind found in Tarantino and Martin
McDonagh’s dark comedies.
Tone
The mix of suspense, action, and fish-out-of-water comedy makes the script highly
entertaining. The darkening of the tone in the last act works well, with unexpected but
believable twists driving the finale. One thing the writer can do to enhance the tone
would be to give a clearer sense of the locale. Tempe, Arizona is an inspired choice for a
film noir, and the action descriptions could evoke the feeling of desert nights, suburban
developments, rock formations, etc. Much of this will be decided during the filming, but
a screenplay can convey the visual style of the film. Breaking Bad is a good example.
The Southwest setting helps bolster the show’s neo-Western tone.
Conflict
The basic conflict keeps the story moving. Rob is constantly in danger and repeatedly
thwarted in his efforts to escape. The father-son conflict feels less focused. They go back
and forth, each blaming the other for what went wrong. A stronger choice would be to
show how powerful an influence Preston had on young Rob. A colder or more imposing
father figure (Vito Corleone, Logan Roy in Succession) would help explain why Rob
seeks approval while at the same time seething with resentment. Tension is at its highest
when Rob is active and staying one step ahead of his enemies. The shopping mall scene,
for example, is very well executed. Some of this tension could also be enhanced in some
of the fight sequences. Rob mostly gets beaten down unrelentingly until someone
intervenes. If he were to find some way to turn the tables, only to see them turn again, the
tussles would be more suspenseful.
Emotional Response/Investment
In the first two acts, Rob’s non-stop fight for survival keeps the audience involved.
However, even before the twist ending the audience will stop rooting for Rob. He’s
unsympathetic in the sense that he’s only trying to save his own skin. He never thinks
about putting things right or redeeming himself. He plans to take Vicky with him but
seems not to trust her or have much respect for her. The stakes would be raised if he and
Vicky were head over heels in love. They may be at odds with society but will do
anything for each other (Mickey and Mallory in the original Natural Born Killers
screenplay is a good example of this).
Marketplace Potential
There’s always an audience for crime dramas with plenty of action and colorful,
desperate characters. Again, enhancing the particular quirks of the characters and the
writer’s sense of humor and style will enhance the film’s cult-audience potential.
I have included the feedback I received on all of the categories except Dialogue. While there were fair points made in all of the categories, there was one note that I need to address, and rather than include the comment and my response in an already long post, I have instead separated it for now but will include the feedback, as well as my thoughts, next time.