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After going over the in depth feedback I’d gotten from the Page Turners Screenplay Competition, I needed to get to work. I had gotten the notes only a few days before I was scheduled to have a phone call with the lead reviewer, which the contest runners had said were extensive, so I needed to come prepared.

In the days leading up to my phone consultation, I began working on addressing the notes and questions that the feedback had posed to me. The first was the question about the title, Dig Down, and whether or not it should be changed. I outlined several reasons of what the title meant to me, and more importantly, what it meant to the story. Until this point, I had never really thought too much, and never articulated, the different layers of meaning in the title.

If nothing else, I was grateful for the notes because they really made me explore the story that I had written and been a part of my life for years, to a level I’d never reached before.

I also spent time each day working on the four layers of each character in the story – what their external and internal motivations were, what their philosophical motivations were, and the secret that each of them harbored. Again, this was great because the notes were like a challenge to me to take my story and do even better, to really dig beneath the surface of the story I had told. To me, while Dig Down is only the length of a novella, I felt that there was so much more packed into its size than other novellas, even other stories twice its length.

This exercise was also great because in answering the questions about these characters, it allowed me to delve into aspects of the characters that didn’t make the manuscript. Details that were in the notes but couldn’t naturally be incorporated in the story, or information that had been divulged in the serials I posted on this site, and eventually compiled into a book of short stories in the Dig Down universe that I sent to people who had subscribed to my email list, found their way into these character studies, and in some cases, found their way into the later drafts of this script.

This was what I was primarily focused on leading up to the meeting because it was the most time consuming. With the amount of time it took me, I was glad I had made the decision to take the day off from work for this phone consultation, because it gave me the whole day leading up to the call to prepare.

As much as I was focused on getting prepared for this meeting, on the morning of, there was still one thing I hadn’t done. There was a link to a video that had been embedded into the feedback, which I was waiting to watch once I had a block of time dedicated to do so.

I’ll discuss what the video was about, next time.

So after getting two sets of feedback within about a week of each other, I was just…wow!

This was a lot to process. There were definitely positives that both competitions had noted. As well as areas of improvement. Even though I had gotten feedback from Finish Line first, because the phone call with Page Turners was coming up first, their analysis was what I chose to focus on.

Although both had offered several pages of constructive feedback, I was so excited when I got the feedback from Page Turners. Finish Line was good as well, and pointed me in a direction of what to focus on, but there was something different about the notes Page Turners.

It wasn’t that I agreed with everything in the notes. In fact, I was ready to argue one of the first points they made, about revising the title. It’s always a pet peeve of mine on behalf of the writer when I see in the credits that it’s based on a book or story of a different name. To me, there was obviously something that attracted someone to adapt this into a movie, and aside from extreme examples where the author’s original title wouldn’t have made for a marketable movie title (some Philip K. Dick stories come to mind), or where the story is good, but obscure, possibly because of the title, I always would rather see an adaptation is based on a story with an eponymous name.

Despite that and some other small points where I was ready to stand my ground, I think what stood out to me was the level of feedback I was getting from Page Turners. This wasn’t so much that it was in depth, critiquing every little thing in the script. It was more that the focus wasn’t on surface level things. Finish Line had gone beyond grammar and punctuation in their notes, bringing up points of the story that I should address better.

This analysis was going beyond that. It felt like it was delving into the inner workings of the story, to weed out any deficiencies and mold it into the best version of itself.

The best example of this was the instructions of the different levels that each character was operating off of: taking the external stakes they’re addressing, and then delving deeper to the internal and philosophical stakes that shape them and their actions, as well as the secret they harbor. This note, which spanned several of the pages of feedback, had me critically analyzing my own characters, to make sure I could answer these questions, not just to the judge, but also to myself.

What’s more, I felt that if I tackled this feedback first, this would help me out with the feedback from Finish Line as well, in part because some of the notes echoed each other (this was something I was looking for after all, areas to improve that were common in multiple notes). I also felt that by attaining this higher level and bringing it out in revisions, my submission to Finish Line would be all the more stronger.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to be told I needed to improve my work.

Below is the last section of the notes I received for my script of Dig Down.

THEME:
I guess the theme here is what one does to be loved.
Rob wants the love of his father so he tries to be successful in his firm. He figures the more
money he makes the more his father may love him. Rob wants the love of his drug addicted
girlfriend so to escape with her and have enough money for her drug habit he risks his life.
I think that overall this theme plays out even if it is playing as a negative – corruption in the
company and keeping her addicted so he will be loved. It could play out stronger in many
different ways. For example – if that is the argument with his father that causes him to kill him.
It’s almost there already but gets buried in much of the over dialogue. It could play out with the
ex-wife if she is the only one who ever truly loved him and expresses that while he despises her.
It can play stronger with the girlfriend if she just loves anyone that has drugs and he sees it in
front of him – her own father her offers her coke to get her away from him in the final scenes.
Also shows the level of evil of Axel to do that to her.
There are so many ways this can play and this works all through conflict…

CONFLICT:
The character conflict in the story is very strong. Externally the conflict is obvious in that he is in
a fight for his and his girlfriend’s life.
However, on the inner level, there is no emotional conflict for the characters. Usually this is
found in their relationships or overcoming some wound they’ve incurred. However, this doesn’t
happen here. Even after her boyfriend dumps her, she gets on with things but the wound of the
relationship is never addressed. As part of the set up it makes the reader believe that this is the
story and genre. This will be a rom-com where she finds her true love and learns to love or trust
again but that doesn’t happen. A guy who is barely in the story just comes a long and she
marries him. Paul and her never address their internal issues and we don’t know if Paul really
has any.
Having these emotional and internal issues will make the characters far more interesting to
follow and up the conflict of the story.
WRITING CRAFT:
This is a big one. This is where you can take your craft and script to the next level in small easy
ways.
First things I come across are formatting and order of operations. Let’s start by talking about the
Mind Movie. This is the movie playing in your head that you are putting on paper for someone
to read to transfer to their head. The goal is to get that to transfer completely seamlessly and
have the same vision of that movie in your head play in theirs. To do that we need clarity and
for the order of operations to be perfect. We also need a way to direct that mind movie without
seeming like we are directing and taking away the directors job. But if you write it strong
enough, that director will make the movie you envisioned. Not only do you want to break things
up to direct the mind movie but you also want to get the order of operations right. Remember, a
screenplay is the architectural plans for a movie.
Writing in Present Tense – Make everything present tense. Nothing should be in a state of being.
It’s a show, so things just happen as we see them. So, don’t use present progressive where you
can use present. You don’t do this often but once in a while. That means getting rid of any –ing
ending verbs. We are seeing it as it happens not in the process of happening. Remember –
everything in a movie happens as we see it. Run through the script and check line by line that
you are cleaning these up. This also means all your parentheticals. The goal of the script is to
transfer the mind movie in your head to the reader’s head. You want the mind movie to play for
them so you want to write in present tense to smooth the movie playing in their mind. It makes
the story active and creates the image in the mind of watching it rather than reading something
in the past. Also, nothing “begins to” or “starts to” happen. Cut these and use the active voice.

Remember, your descriptions shouldn’t be more than three (3) lines per paragraph but most of
your three line paragraphs could be cut down from what I read. The idea is to make the page
light (meaning lots of white space) so that you have a fast read and the dialogue pops. Look for
anything extra to cut and trim. But definitely look at breaking up the description by each
different shot. Every time you imagine a different movement or shot or angle in the description
break that into a new paragraph. This will also help with the mind movie and help you direct the
film in the producer and director’s mind without them thinking that you are.
Use the Mind Movie to break up description by shots and that will help play it int he reader’s
head. The more you can get the reader to see the movie playing in their head the more likely
you are to sell the script. For the most part you do this well. However, you should run through
the script as an editing exercise to make sure that the mind movie matches what is on the page.
There are times you fall out of doing it and there are elements – flashbacks, slug lines, dialogue
gaps – that you need to clean up to match the vision that would be on screen.
To help with writing description try to think of it as if writing a poem. You want to write
something that is visual and emotional and active in the shortest for possible. This is the goal of
writing description and will help your story flow more smoothly.
Hangers – These are when you have a bunch of single words on a line or just a few words. If you
have a bunch of hangers, it’s a sign you can run through the script and start finding ways to cut
down the description. This will help you bring down your page count and just create a cleaner
read and visual of the page.
Adverbs – Another aspect of showing versus telling is the use of adverbs. Anytime you come
across an adverb as yourself how you are seeing this. How do you picture this in the movie. The
more specific the answer the clear the vision will be for the reader. When you are specific with
verbs and nouns in this way, you really hook people in. You trigger memories and emotions in
them with more specific words. Then you are creating an emotional connection with them that
pulls them into your story.
Your dialogue needs to be cut way back. Look for anything that is duplicate information and cut
it. Search for anything that is telling past events that could be shown and show it. You have the
voices down for most characters but the dialogue is too much. It should be shorter and sharper
and less explaining what happened. Movies SHOW, novels TELL.
So there is a lot here to digest. I look forward to speaking with you as I think that small changes
will really dial in the story you want to tell and how to tell it.

Below is the third section of the general notes I received for my script of Dig Down. This section had concluded with a link to a video, which I have opted not to include in this blog post.

CHARACTERIZATION:
The main characters all have unique voices and styles, they have varied tones about them.
However, you should check your character intros and make sure everyone has these elements –
Character Intros – The Character Intro should try to give us an image of the character while
expressing their mood, emotion or general atmosphere. You also want to describe them in
action in someway – what are they doing. It sets tone and place. You can do this with any small
action. Also, as to the physical, pick the things that stand out about the character or are
important to the story.

I think there are some character mix ups throughout the script. At one time it says Rocco is dead
on the news and that threw me off. Also, the sicarrios need something that differentiates them
a bit, they need character. They need something that makes them interesting or quirky in the
way they work or makes the reader feel more scared for Rob. As it is now, they are a bit bland
and the most rational people in the script. But they definitely need something that makes them
more menacing think of Luca Brazzi in Godfather or the siccario in Breaking Bad. They make
them dark, scary characters who are killers. Check out the documentary on the Ice Man and
how cold this assassin was. These guys need to be scary. Now they just feel like two guys who
have a job to do but that job could also be drywall for the afternoon.
Characters need to pay off in this story in a meaningful way. I talked about this in structure and
will talk more about it in conflict. As it is now, most of the characters are not paying off in a
meaningful way to the story or in contrast to Rob.
So your characters all have strong external stakes. But they don’t really have internal stakes
drawing them into the emotion of the story or philosophical stakes. Let’s use an example. Let’s
say that the theme is love and Rob being unloved. What I would do is writer down every
character – even Axel and the Sicarrios. You may not use it in the script but you will know your
characters better with this method.
I write this every script –
ROB:
External Stakes –
Internal Stakes –
Philosophical Stakes –
Secret –
Now we know the external stakes are his life and future escaping with the woman he loves.
ROB:
External Stakes – his life and future escaping with the woman he loves.
Internal Stakes –
Philosophical Stakes –
Secret –
So what are his internal stakes – he has never been loved by his father. Maybe his wife loved him
at one time but not anymore or maybe she still does but he doesn’t see it. But he believes he is
loved by Axel’s daughter Vicky. So it would this –
ROB:
External Stakes – his life and future escaping with the woman he loves.
Internal Stakes – being loved by the woman he loves – Vicky.
Philosophical Stakes –
Secret –

His philosophical stakes are then that you have to fight and do anything you can to be loved. He
will get her the coke she wants. He will do anything to be successful in his father’s firm to be
loved by his father. You have to earn love by being willing to do anything is his philosophical
position.
ROB:
External Stakes – his life and future escaping with the woman he loves.
Internal Stakes – being loved by the woman he loves – Vicky.
Philosophical Stakes – You have to earn love by being willing to do anything
Secret –
Finally is his secret. His secret is the gold in the case in a physical sense. He kills the one whose
love he couldn’t get to get Vicky’s love with the gold. So the gold should be more important
than being left behind earlier.
That is one secret but it seems there is more. A more internal one we don’t see. How old was
she when he got Vicky? What did he do to get her to love him? This seems where the real secret
lies. We should discuss this. This is the China Town moment in this story that doesn’t play out.
So now you have Rob but you have to do all the others. You may not use everything but you as
the writer will now know everything. This will direct how you write the characters and what
they do.
Finally, check this out – possibly the greatest lecture on stakes I’ve ever seen and will go into
more depth on this than I can here

PACE & TONE:
The pace and tone are fine for the story overall.
You have a crime/chase genre pace but with a noir-ish tone. The tone could be boosted to make
it more noir-ish and unique as you are then combining adjacent sub-genres in a way we haven’t
seen. I would recommend doing this for a few reasons. You have these noir-ish moments with
the father and then you have noir-ish moments with the enemies meeting and feeling each
other out quite a few times. These could be enriched to more fun, exciting and tense. By doing
that, it ups the tension in the chase scenes as well because it creates what Hollywood
technically terms “Oh Fuck Moments”. It goes like this – Oh, fuck! What’s going to happen if the
sicarrios catch up to him this time? That is what you want the readers/viewers thinking. If you
play your tone right then that happens. As it is now it is in the beginning but once he does meet
them its gone. What you need it for that moment to escalate to the next Oh Fuck Moment.
Think of Pulp Fiction – if you haven’t seen it go watch it right now. But there are multiple
moments like this and I believe your script has the potential for those moments as well.
For example – rather than hearing about what happened to Bam Bam. What if he goes to seem
and finds the torture that happened to him and there is a message that his will be worse. This
lets the audience know what the Volcan is capable of. Think of Marius in Pulp Fiction – we know
he is a badass and what his people do cause we SEE it done to others. In your story we are TOLD
he is a badass but never see it. If we see it and the main character sees it then we worry for him
and we know it will be worse.
For the type of story you are writing, you have to escalate tone the way you escalate conflict.
This is important and we should discuss this at length because otherwise I’ll be here writing a
thesis on this.
The second aspect of pace and tone is in the writing. First, you can create stronger tone by word
choice. For genre stories like this you need to get better word choice in the description. You can
look up crime genre or noir genre words on Google and find that people put together whole
sheets of genre words. You should be using these types of things to really infuse the tone
throughout the script.
As to pace, the story needs to paced out better in individual scenes. As it is now the writing is
thick and overly descriptive for a script. When eh action starts the writing should be shorter,
more staccato, to make the action feel faster. Then you slow it down in moments of peace by
writing out longer sentences for description. Same goes for dialogue. Right now there are so
many speeches that they lose importance. When a speech comes it should hold weight but if
there is a long dialogue every scene they become meaningless no matter what is being told. The
dialogue ship be more clipped for this type of movie and lead up to speeches. When they come
then they bring gravitas but now there are so many that they just become someone telling
something off screen we don’t see. Which goes to the old adage SHOW don’t TELL

Below is approximately the first two pages of notes I received on my script of Dig Down

Hi Damian – Before we dive in I want you to know that anything that doesn’t make sense in the
notes we can discuss when we do the call, including the Page by Page notes.
GENERAL LOOK:
Overall, the script looks clean but thick. Giving it a quick scan the script looks like the formatting
is correct but you’ve seen some minor mistakes I put in the page by page notes, nothing major.
Another aspect of the look is there are lots of large blocks of text in description and dialogue. It
looks like there are a lot of speeches in here. Some of these need to be broken up to make the
read flow easier. I’ll get to that below and how to do it.
The second thing is that we need to work on your overall story and genre. This is something we
will discuss in this set of notes and on the call but there are really simple ways to elevate your
story and create what we call the Mind Movie. We will also need to discuss the Mind Movie and
use of description which we will get into below.
Overall, the first look and look of the pages is that the script is in pretty good shape. Changes int
he page by page are slight. For the larger issues of story and genre, I think there are simple
solutions to those I found in the read. So that is the good news and there are things to learn
here that will help you bring out the beauty of your story..
TITLE:
The title Dig Down, immediately it makes me think this guy is going to have to dig down deep
into his character to overcome something. However, that doesn’t pay off. I’m curious what it
means for you and we will discuss on the call but in the script I only found it once where it is
referenced. So it’s not one of those titles that pops up in the story and has major meaning or
emotional impact.
So I recommend two lines of action here – 1. We figure out what it means to you and why for
this story. Then we need to figure out how that plays out for the audience and if it resonates. 2.
Consider other titles. The genre here is crime but depending on how you decide to write this –
this could be an insanely great modern noir. It has all the elements but it doesn’t quite click into
place. Right now it is more of a chase movie that would fall under the crime genre. It had
elements of Falling Down and Pulp Fiction but I think the great opportunity here is the modern
noir element.
So for the title we need to consider those two items. However, if you are open to considering a
new title there are a few things to consider. One, it has to be something that makes readers
want to put your script at the top and generate interest. Think of genre pieces like Game of
Thrones. You immediately get it without ever reading anything else. Or the Maltese Falcon – you
get that this is going to be the key McGuffin in the movie. This is the item that drives ever
characters story. Devil in a Blue Dress – it really tells the genre and hints at titles from a certain
time period as does The Black Dahlia. So the title needs to tell genre and give an interesting
hook. OR you could have a title that comes out in the story and is either representative of
theme or a key turning point of the story and realization for the main character.
But overall – the title needs to hook the reader to put your story at the top of their pile.
STRUCTURE:
Structurally speaking the script hits the right points. You have all he major beats.
I am not worried about this macro aspect in your writing. However, there are structural issues of
theme which I discuss below and scenes which could escalate stronger. These are discussed in
character and theme and conflict sections.
The one thing I want to discuss as part of structure is the ending.
The end fell flat for me and I think that there is a great opportunity here that you are missing
out on. We should discuss this over the call though.
But I will say this – if we think of Ruth coming in and killing him – what was it all for? I’m not
saying he should escape. But why her? Why is she the one? Think on that and let’s discuss on
the call.
I normally don’t do this. I would normally explain my thoughts here but much of what I see in
the other sections lead up to this and I would prefer you read those sections and see how you
feel about it before we discuss the ending as all those things may influence your thoughts on it.
So read everything else first and then we will discuss the ending. These calls are usually quite
long so make sure you have the time blocked and we will get through everything