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51) The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters. -Also feel this is now addressed

52) Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association? -An idea: Reginald’s source of income has been locked up. Expected to find Rob here, figured Rob would have finances for escape plan, just take his

53) Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish). -Good note – can fix this with Stogey being there as well, and killed by the sicarios (or another cop)

54) Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship. -Very fair note – will need to work in as part of the changes to structure. -Fixed, added an earlier scene where she arrives at the mansion, establishing it, and is greeted by the Sicarios. Believe this also sets up the animosity (along with other scenes of the dire straits she’s in as a result of Rob) toward her husband.

55) Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob. -…Positive? Comment?

56) On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him

apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart. -Fair note – can just cut

57) How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?

58) Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. -These two points are fair. Think I will just keep the second one that he tries to lie and say Rob is dead. Maybe while Reginald is writhing toward his own death

59) What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire? -Fair point – will say its a grenade. Will also make revision to make it clear about the effects of the explosion -Addressed with Miguel shouting ‘Grenadio’ before the explosion.

60) Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human. -Positive. Or just another comment.

61) Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76. -Fair – even I felt I was playing this up too much -Fixed, this should be toned down now

62) It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it. -Positive

63) Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope. -Positive

64) Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80. -Good note – again, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, she appears in multiple flashbacks now.

65) What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them. -Same as above, good note, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, we find out he robbed her, left her with nothing and to face the hitmen after him, had a gun pointed in her face, had to sell what little she had to get revenge

66) We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible. -Positive…? Comment?

67) Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84. -Positive

68) Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob. -Positive

69) Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development. -Positive

70) Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here? -Disagree w/ this. Feel like I address it, though will check. -Should be fixed. Added a line from Rob on page one that this was the first place they made love, established this place with this meaning was where the coyote was supposed to pick them up, and have the original line that the owners called him to pick up his junkie daughter.

71) Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94. -Positive

72) Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan. -Positive

73) Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for? -Positive. Do feel I addressed that Axel is in the way of Javy and especially Rocco shooting at Rob with Vicky being used as a human shield.

74) That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One. -Positive

75) I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific. -Fair – though thought I had it, can clarify

76) We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed. -Positive

77) Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter. -Don’t know I agree, but can change -Fixed, just removed it

78) Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108. -Positive

79) The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending. -Positive

26) As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter. -Positive

27) Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this. -Positive

28) The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. -Positive- We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters. -Very fair note- hopefully with addresses to three previous points, this can be resolved

29) Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally. -Positive

30) I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch. -Possibly fair note- will need to read this part of the script and analyze

31) On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line. -Very fair note – will change -Fixed

32) Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either. -Fair note – will revise -Fixed, or at least should be

33) On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub. -Fair note- this could be shown earlier -Fixed, addressed with earlier flashback

34) Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34. -Disagree w/ this – will check the description, but think everything indicates whatever’s in the suitcase is very valuable to Rob.

35) What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it? -Could be a fair point – thought I had set up he needs to get away from Rocco, but I can ramp it up by Rob thinking Rocco is done with Kine and coming out of the backroom, especially with Rob potentially going for the suitcase first

36) Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it. -Note I hope to address in previous note -Feel I’ve addressed this with Rob seeing Kine about to rat him out, and Rocco’s looming shadow in the back doorway

37) The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already. -Will reread, but could be fair. -Agreed when I re-read this for Page Turners, believe I addressed by moving one flashback scene to here, adding another

38) Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men. -Disagree w/ this – there should be signs that Rob isn’t as good as he’s portraying himself

39) The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long. -Will take a look at, see what could be revised

40) The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work. -Positive

41) Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition. -Positive

42) By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this. -Good note- need to clarify why Rob is the scapegoat for everything -Addressed with the new flashback scenes in beginning of the script

43) What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal? -Good note- this could use clarification/rewrite -I had just removed this

44) If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal. -Disagree w/ this, feel I mentioned he has no idea who Rocco is from the start, also the who is this guy through mall

45) Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50. -Could be fair – can probably reword/rewrite “…just need to get to the coyote….just need to get to the coyote…” -Fixed. Addressed this with him being truthful with himself that this isn’t really the case

46) Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely. -Just removed this. Keep a little back and forth with himself later, but this was cut.

47) There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things. -Positive

48) Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened. -Positive

49) With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this. -MAJOR NOTE – this will be something else to address with the structure of the script -Fixed. Addressed this much earlier with those new flashbacks of why Axel and the Senators are targeting him.

50) Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death? -Not really sure what to do about this note

Last week I shared the first notes of feedback I received for my screenplay of Dig Down. The notes themselves were long, but my responses would make them extensive.

In the interest of keeping these posts as short as possible, I’ve broken up my responses into thirds. These were my thoughts on the first 25 notes I received.

1)  Please check your script for spelling and grammatical errors.

2) How is ROB panicky if slumped over the steering wheel? Is he hiding himself until the police car passes? -Small change to address -Addressed, removed panicky (should be evident through actions in the script). Also added he slouches low in his seat to keep out of view.

3) The CALLER ID name ought to be art of description in the formatting, not dialogue unless it’s speaking aloud. Is she phone announcing who’s calling? -Good note to change, had gone w/ this, but minor change to make. (Would cut down on lines as well) -Fixed, added that ‘Succubus calling’ to action. Will read screenplays to see how they handle it. -Additional – removed the Caller ID dialogue throughout the script, added who was calling to action.

4) The set-up of ROB coming to PRESTON for help after a long absence is a strong way into the script. The writer has started us off with several aspects of conflict, which is the best way to get to know our characters and their story. -Positive

5) I suggest being very limited in Rob speaking aloud to himself. It’s exposition. We can see that Rob is struggling with the suitcase so is his dialogue on page 2 necessary? Ideally the scene is set up strongly enough that he doesn’t need to say anything. The tone of the scene and his action and emotional tell a story. -Good note. Can cut -Addressed. Removed dialogue, replaced it with him checking his watch after leaving the townhouse, to mirror him checking his watch when he first arrived as a way to signify the passing of time. Added a shake of the head, to signify he’s not happy about it.

6) On page 3 is this briefcase meant to be the suitcase? -Fair note. Had wondered if I called it by different names throughout script -Fixed

7) Rob’s speaking aloud works on page 3 around HARRINGTON’s chaos. Is there a reason the chaos is there if THE SHARK interrupts Rob’s flow? -Positive

8) I suggest building a bit more around MRS. HARRINGTON’ death. Did she collapse after her jog or did Rob shoot her through the window? Whatever it is, we ought to have a sense of what’s happened, otherwise it’s a bit abstract. -This seems to be a misinterpretation. It’s supposed to be abstract in the moment, but by the end of the film, the audience should know its actually Beverly who Mr. Harrington is saying is dead, who hasn’t been introduced yet.

9) I suggest making it clearer – not just by the time, that the scene with Preston is from earlier before Rob came out with the case. Though the back and forth eventually becomes comfortable, the first time could use a bit of help. We want to make sure the structure of the story works as smoothly as possible. -Fair note. Maybe have Rob check his watch, or town bells chime. -Fixed. Believe I fixed this with Rob checking his watch both before he enters the townhouse and after he is exiting with the suitcase.

10) The scene with Preston ending on page 7 is well written. Rob’s nervous energy works well and Preston listing everything Rob’s accused of, and the national news about him, raises the stakes immediately. This is all good forward moving development. -Positive

11) The Shark gives us some good back story and Rob’s present day danger with EL VOLCAN. Rob has it coming at him from every angle. We don’t get the El Volcan story until Act Three and it could be a bit clearer here – a few lines that intimate his trafficking. -Mostly positive. Fair note to add something to improve clarity. -Addressed. A quick reference that he has a cartel, whose reached has already crossed the border, and that Mexico is considered his backyard.

12) On page 9 it seems like the COP CAR is right by The Shark and Rob. I suggest readjusting this spatially. Can the writer clarify where they are in relation to the two men? -Fair note. Thought I had this explained, but can work on -Addressed. Revised ‘in the distance’ to a specific distance ‘about thirty yards’, and referred to the crowd as the ‘distant crowd’ to remind the space between Rob and them. Added one last reference as they pass the cop car, reminding the distance, saying that that distance is growing, but that its still too close for The Shark’s liking.

13) Is The Shark sounding like that because his jaw is broken? Perhaps note that as it was hard to sound out. -Fair note. Can make a change -Fixed. Added the suitcase crunches his jaw, and that it hangs unhinged.

14) The beat of them understanding what The Shark was saying is great, but they let it go too quickly. STOGEY’s dialogue can be cut back on page 12. I suggest cutting the lines about nicknames right now to keep this exposition clear on page 12. -Will take a look at. Brought up again as a negative, just like Dorrie had said. -Addressed. Removed the mention of the nicknames. Also, gave an explanation as to why they wouldn’t go searching for Rob Moore even though it sounds like this is what The Shark is saying

15) By page 13, we’re wondering is Rob speaking to himself? Is this VO? Is it breaking the fourth way? It’s distracting. -Note. I’ll have to look at this and context throughout the screenplay

16) There is isn’t a strong inciting incident. So much is happening already that there isn’t another beat that comes to focus the script. Stogey believes he could be innocent and that does come up later but it’s not the crux of the story. Because there is continual action in the script, having some clear structural beats would help a story be told instead of just having Rob be chased around. -MAJOR NOTE – Would impact structure of the screenplay. Needs serious consideration

17) Why does Rob say he’s not getting any help from the cops? The cops didn’t believe The Shark and one of them suspects he might be being framed. What did he think they would do right here on page 13? -Could be a fair note – Might be worthwhile to have Stogey make a comment about favoring a promotion rather than justice. -Addressed. Have Stogey pine over the thoughts of commendations for being the one to arrest Rob, also added Rob’s summary that cops won’t be any help because they’re self-serving for their careers, rather than doing their actual jobs.

18) Preston’s dialogue about who Rob was is great character description on page 14. This continues with strong backstory about their working together and Rob changing as he felt neglected by Preston. These conversations between father and son, though ultimately too repetitive, are a great way to tell Rob’s story. -Positive

19) Though their conversation is overloaded it feels as thigh they know it could be the last time they have a chance to get it all out so it works. -Positive

20) Make it clear the conversation between AXEL and Rob is on the phone (through the phone, not o.s.) -Fair note – One of the things I didn’t know about, so don’t mind making this change. -Fixed – also made these changes to rest of conversations over the phone

21) Axel’s plan is laid out on page 18. I suggest adding something like, “thick as thieves” so we see their friendship at the time amidst the page 19 flashback. -Fair note – will add -Addressed – Don’t know specifically where they thought to add this, but added in the action that he tramples over a photograph of himself and Rob smiling. This is intended to indicate they were friendly together, and a visual representation of their relationship now.

22) It’s hard to understand how Rob thinks leaving town will make all this go away. We don’t yet know what’s happened except a politician died. -Could be a fair note – This could tie to the point above about changes to the structure to set up the INCITING INCIDENT

23) There is a bit if a connective scene about VICKI and getting to her and out of town. This is a structural beat that ought to connect with the inciting incident and move this narrative forward. Moving backwards this could help establish the inciting incident around page 11. -Believe this could be a really good note – need to look into

24) The MINIVAN DRIVER’s rage is a great beat saving Rob from ROCCO on page 22. Clever moves and tone. The pacing here is strong as Rob is caught up in all the people in the mall. -Positive

25) Vicky is younger than we thought – a teenager! Her edict to get her ‘medicine’ before they leave puts another stone in Rob’s path on page 25. What does Rob do about this until he encounters REGINALD? How was he going to get this medicine> -Fair note – think this can be resolved by either Rob or Reginald mentioning it again in the mountainside house -Addressed. Will have him dismiss going to get it at this point. It’ll be something he has to do once he loses the briefcase.

Below is the first notes I ever received for my screenplay of Dig Down:

NOTE: Everything in these notes are suggestions – take what you like and leave the rest. We do not want you to lose your voice in the process of re-writing!

COMMENTS: DIG DOWN is a lot of fun to read and it’s intelligent and clever. One of the strengths of the script is ROB’s continual development until he’s really just one of the worst people ever and it’s fun and tragic to see all the reveals until the end. This is a script where everyone is horrible, except for PRESTON, and no one takes responsibility for their being horrible, blaming Rob. This line to that isn’t always believable even though through his conversations with his father, we understand where Rob sits in the midst of what happened. To go after the money guy when AXEL is clearly the one who manifested most of these crimes doesn’t always jibe but ultimately Rob is so bad himself it doesn’t matter.

The writer doe an excellent job throwing constant conflict Rob’s way and the chase and action scenes are tightly choreographed and quite well written. They’re fun to read, unique at times and seeing Rob get the worst of it is enjoyable. Some scenes like Rob not going back even for a moment to get the gold are puzzling and there are a few plot beats to fill, but this isn’t where any major problems lie.

The biggest issues in the script are structure and occasional character development. Briefly, but importantly, the development of RUTH needs to happen. Her strength and ultimately her fury ought to come, not only from Rob being horrible but by something between the two that is broken. They both hate one another but we don’t know why. Using the one scene that we see of her and showing smaller beats of it earlier so we understand their hatred would really help Then eventually we can realize she’s his wife. That reveal doesn’t need to come sooner, but we need to know the conflict between Rob and this woman.

Though not particularly difficult to follow, the script lacks beats to help the narrative. Because there is a consistent flow of action and movement, the beats that would help structure how Rob ultimately got framed would help. The inciting incident, connective beat and midpoint are all vague or not present. Establishing these as well as cutting back the repetition in the scenes between Rob and Preston (though these are so well written), would help tighten the story and give the reader the narrative beats that keep us engaged and get to everyone emerging in Lake Tahoe a little sooner.

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Please check your script for spelling and grammatical errors.

How is ROB panicky if slumped over the steering wheel? Is he hiding himself until the police car passes?

The CALLER ID name ought to be art of description in the formatting, not dialogue unless it’s speaking aloud. Is she phone announcing who’s calling?

The set-up of ROB coming to PRESTON for help after a long absence is a strong way into the script. The writer has started us off with several aspects of conflict, which is the best way to get to know our characters and their story.

I suggest being very limited in Rob speaking aloud to himself. It’s exposition. We can see that Rob is struggling with the suitcase so is his dialogue on page 2 necessary? Ideally the scene is set up strongly enough that he doesn’t need to say anything. The tone of the scene and his action and emotional tell a story.

On page 3 is this briefcase meant to be the suitcase?

Rob’s speaking aloud works on page 3 around HARRINGTON’s chaos. Is there a reason the chaos is there if THE SHARK interrupts Rob’s flow?

I suggest building a bit more around MRS. HARRINGTON’ death. Did she collapse after her jog or did Rob shoot her through the window? Whatever it is, we ought to have a sense of what’s happened, otherwise it’s a bit abstract.

I suggest making it clearer – not just by the time, that the scene with Preston is from earlier before Rob came out with the case. Though the back and forth eventually becomes comfortable, the first time could use a bit of help. We want to make sure the structure of the story works as smoothly as possible.

The scene with Preston ending on page 7 is well written. Rob’s nervous energy works well and Preston listing everything Rob’s accused of, and the national news about him, raises the stakes immediately. This is all good forward moving development.

The Shark gives us some good back story and Rob’s present day danger with EL VOLCAN. Rob has it coming at him from every angle. We don’t get the El Volcan story until Act Three and it could be a bit clearer here – a few lines that intimate his trafficking.

On page 9 it seems like the COP CAR is right by The Shark and Rob. I suggest readjusting this spatially. Can the writer clarify where they are in relation to the two men?

Is The Shark sounding like that because his jaw is broken? Perhaps note that as it was hard to sound out.

The beat of them understanding what The Shark was saying is great, but they let it go too quickly. STOGEY’s dialogue can be cut back on page 12. I suggest cutting the lines about nicknames right now to keep this exposition clear on page 12.

By page 13, we’re wondering is Rob speaking to himself? Is this VO? Is it breaking the fourth way? It’s distracting.

There is isn’t a strong inciting incident. So much is happening already that there isn’t another beat that comes to focus the script. Stogey believes he could be innocent and that does come up later but it’s not the crux of the story. Because there is continual action in the script, having some clear structural beats would help a story be told instead of just having Rob be chased around.

Why does Rob say he’s not getting any help from the cops? The cops didn’t believe The Shark and one of them suspects he might be being framed. What did he think they would do right here on page 13?

Preston’s dialogue about who Rob was is great character description on page 14. This continues with strong backstory about their working together and Rob changing as he felt neglected by Preston. These conversations between father and son, though ultimately too repetitive, are a great way to tell Rob’s story.

Though their conversation is overloaded it feels as thigh they know it could be the last time they have a chance to get it all out so it works.

Make it clear the conversation between AXEL and Rob is on the phone (through the phone, not o.s.)

Axel’s plan is laid out on page 18. I suggest adding something like, “thick as thieves” so we see their friendship at the time amidst the page 19 flashback.

It’s hard to understand how Rob thinks leaving town will make all this go away. We don’t yet know what’s happened except a politician died.

There is a bit if a connective scene about VICKI and getting to her and out of town. This is a structural beat that ought to connect with the inciting incident and move this narrative forward. Moving backwards this could help establish the inciting incident around page 11.

The MINIVAN DRIVER’s rage is a great beat saving Rob from ROCCO on page 22. Clever moves and tone. The pacing here is strong as Rob is caught up in all the people in the mall.

Vicky is younger than we thought – a teenager! Her edict to get her ‘medicine’ before they leave puts another stone in Rob’s path on page 25. What does Rob do about this until he encounters REGINALD? How was he going to get this medicine>

As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter.

Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this.

The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters.

Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally.

I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch.

On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line.

Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either.

On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub.

Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34.

What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it?

Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it.

The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already.

Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men.

The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long.

The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work.

Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition.

By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this.

What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal?

If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal.

Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50.

Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely.

There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things.

Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened.

With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this.

Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death?

The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters.

Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association?

Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish).

Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship.

Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob.

On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him

apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart.

How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?

Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense.

What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire?

Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human.

Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76.

It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it.

Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope.

Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80.

What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them.

We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible.

Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84.

Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob.

Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development.

Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here?

Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94.

Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan.

Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for?

That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One.

I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific.

We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed.

Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter.

Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108.

The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending.

It was a nice, relaxing period in February 2023, having submitted my script for Dig Down to three screenwriting contests, each offering some level of feedback. I was both moving forward with my writing career, while being able to take a step back and wait on someone else before I had to do anything again.

I didn’t want this to stretch on for too long, but it was a relief knowing that even though I wasn’t actively writing, there was still some momentum. Things were moving forward. And with that feeling, ideas for new stories started to pop up freely, because I wasn’t trying to force them.

My stance on writing is I never want writing to feel like a job to me. I already have one. I write because I enjoy it. I hope people continue to read my stories because they enjoy them. While this means there may be some stretches where I go without a new idea that I feel is good enough to explore, it also means I avoid the expectation of deadlines and timetables of when people will want the next installment of a series to come out.

For example, if I had started my writing career with a trilogy, I would have had to have had the first two books written, edited, and ready to go, with probably at least a drift of the finale under my belt so that there wouldn’t be too long of a gap between each book.

I enjoy reading though a long-running series, of varying sizes, from trilogies to serials. But these aren’t what I set out to write. If I were to write a series, it would be because the core idea would be too long to naturally fit in one book, and the length of that series would be what I felt was appropriate to capture the ebbs and flows, and peaks of valleys in the best way possible for the reader.

All that being said, I’m also glad that it didn’t take too long for feedback on Dig Down to start coming in. The first contest to forward me notes on my script was from Finish Line Script Competition. After almost a month of being able to take my mind off the adaptation, it was time to get back to work.

In the following week’s posts, I will share the notes that I had received, and then my comments/notes as I began to plan out how to incorporate this feedback.

With my screenplay for Dig Down entered into three screenplay competitions, each with varying levels of feedback, I found myself in a rare position…

I could actually relax.

Going all the way back prior to previous summer, I had been either outlining a new story, writing a new story, and adapting not one but two of my books into scripts and entering them into contests for feedback and exposure. And even then, I still felt I wasn’t doing enough with my writing-mainly because I didn’t have the time with my new position to really flesh out the new book I’d been working on, and new exciting ideas weren’t really forthcoming.

When I decided to stop working on a draft for a new story, I had thrown myself into adapting Dig Down because I felt it would not only serve as an outlet for my writing, but also with my attention on that, I wouldn’t be trying to force a new story idea.

And now that I had drafted, edited and submitted my script into contests, the only thing left to do with Dig Down was wait.

While I did, it allowed me to focus-and enjoy-other things. I’d done what I could to this point for my script. The only thing left at this point was to wait for feedback.

This was great because I have other hobbies and interests outside of writing. Since the pandemic, I’ve been taking courses on coding, and used the time to start developing a small video game. And while I was tinkering with that, I started to learn how to code actions to a controller (these interests always seem to continue to build on themselves). I also started running for the first time in years, only a few laps around an indoor gym. As of this writing, I’m now up to twelve miles, and this weekend, I’ll be running a half marathon for the first time in 6 years.

And a funny little thing happened during this waiting period back in the early months of 2023. While I was listening to audiobooks while first getting my legs under me (and my lungs back into running shape-that felt like a long time coming), a little 3 hour novella about a touring band…

…it gave me an idea for a new book.

The only thing I’ll share for now is that it centers around a band going on tour, the only detail that my story has in common with this audio-novella.

Just like myself, I decided to give you a short break on updates from my screenwriting. I’ll start sharing the feedback that was coming in, next time.