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As I mentioned in my last post, I was on the cusp of making changes to my script of Dig Down based on the first set of notes I’d received from one of the screenplay competitions I’d entered. This didn’t take a backseat, but I decided to hit pause when I was informed I’d be getting my second set of notes from another of the three contests I’d entered.

To give a little backstory on this, the second set of notes would come from the Page Turner Screenplay Competition, which was actually the first of the contests to get back to me. This was the last of the three contests I had entered in January, and the one that I had to think about, because there were several different options for how to enter, including the one I selected, which was to get a live consultation with.

So I was a little surprised when they were the first to reach out to me (though I guess with the entry free associated with this service, I should have expected this). The contest was also really good about giving me updates, and the communication overall was really excellent.

On March 1st, I got an email from them letting me know that the reader was almost done and would have my notes soon. The date they proposed was the following Friday. March 10 would give me time to receive and digest the notes, and since this would be the second contest I’d received feedback from, I could compare the notes to see what specifically might need to be addressed.

I’d responded that the date worked for me, which it did. And here’s where things get a little haywire.

Our emails had stopped on Thursday, March 2nd, and resumed again on Monday, March 6th. Nothing out of the ordinary, definitely not an exorbitant amount of time had passed. The message I received included an apology that I hadn’t received the notes already, but that the reader wanted to look it over with a fresh set of eyes. I had initially noticed I hadn’t gotten the notes the previous week, but had otherwise put it out of my mind (this will be a trend), because I agreed to sit in on an interview panel for a couple days this week, including March 10.

When they asked if Friday, March 10, still worked for me, I immediately put the interview I was scheduled to be part of out of my mind (like I said, it was a trend), and told them the date still worked without checking my calendar. It wasn’t until the next day when I was about to submit a time off request for Friday that I noticed the conflict.

I couldn’t believe I’d done. I guess I should have though. Its always the one time I don’t check something that it comes back to bite me.

At first I thought this might not be so bad. Sure, the consultation and the interview were on the same day, but what were the odds they were at the exact same time. In my case, the odds were absolute. They always are when things are stacked against me.

Then I thought I’d found a reprieve. Both were scheduled at 2, but the contest was located in California. Maybe I was in luck, and 2 for them actually meant 5 for me. I sent an email to ask them, thinking I was stewing over nothing. Like I said, their communication was excellent and very responsive. They had taken into account I was on the east coast, so the 2 was my time. The reader was also in New York, so there’d be no issues there.

Great. Or as Rob would say, “Typical.”

This was like an episode out of one of those old sitcoms, where someone makes plans to date two girls at the same time, and tries to keep both, only to have it all blow up in his face. I was having that same sinking feeling.

Until I read the last line of the email:

“I’ve attached all the notes and Joe was excited by the script so should look forward to a great call on Friday at 2pm.”

I’ll continue this story…next time

I was really excited to get notes on my script for Dig Down. Not only was I getting feedback in a medium that I still felt I was a novice in, a lot of it was also positive. This really helped give me a direction in terms of what I needed to do with my screenplay.

I read through the notes a few times, first just to see everything they had to say, then again to really start to consider the advice, questions and recommendations they were offering. As you could see from the three posts I had broken their notes into, there was a lot to digest.

I knew it was best not to just rush into it and address every note one by one. The notes offered lots of observations, but not all of them were on the same scale. As you saw, some were small grammatical changes, or just a need to explain something a little better. A good number of the notes were just positive: they liked how I had written something.

But there were also critiques that would have an impact on the screenplay as a whole. These needed to be carefully considered. While I agreed with most of them, addressing them potentially meant making big changes to the rest of the script, the way it was presented, or maybe the structure overall. This in itself could negate the need to correct one of the smaller suggestions made in the notes, either by addressing this at the same time, or possibly eliminating the scene where this note occurred.

As an example, one of the notes was that Ruth, and her storyline, almost come out of nowhere. While to me her presence is there throughout, because it was that way in the book, its more natural in literary form than in the screenplay. While the audience for both mediums doesn’t fully comprehend her existence and relevance to the story, the same scene really hits at the pivotal twist in the book, but in the screenplay, she seems to come out of left field.

I think this was a fair point, and agreed that she should be added sooner. But how do you go about doing that? Does Rob have a scene with her earlier in the screenplay? Is there a scene where she’s making calls, or talking to a private eye? Does she interact with other characters? If so, does this new scene introduce new information, or does it repeat something the audience already knows?

You can see how this one change can have a monumental impact on the screenplay. It isn’t as easy as just adding a scene to introduce Ruth and her context to the plot. This potentially means another scene would have to be replaced, but before I could cut it, I’d have to review what other relevant details were imbedded in that scene, and if it could also be incorporated in the change I was making. If I were to add just one scene to establish Ruth that forced me to cut another scene (this is changes to two scenes already), I might have to take other details from the removed scene and find ways to incorporate them naturally in the rest of the screenplay (now potentially three scenes altered, if not more!)

So the first thing I needed to do was rate how big of a revision each note was requiring. This was something I included in the three blog posts, my own notes of what I thought on the feedback. This way, I could not only gauge how much work was required for each note, but also whether or not I agreed with their point. Some notes I thought were self-explanatory, or could be explained with details later in the script. Others I felt they just might not have been grasping the scene (there were some notes involving the veterinarian that made me think this).

In the end, I compiled a shortened list of notes I would address. From them, I rated them into groups, from easy to handle all the way to overhauls of portions of the screenplay. The grammatical errors and formatting notes for scenes I believed would stay in tact were taken care of.

I was contemplating ways to address the more intensive revisions when I hit pause on the process. My second set of notes, this one involving a phone consultation with one of the judges, was coming in. This had been a process that ended up stretching across a couple of weeks.

And I’ll share the backstory to that…next time.

This week will be a quick break from the screenplay updates. They’ll resume next week.

A short update: about a month ago, I had briefly mentioned that while taking time off from screenwriting while waiting to get feedback from some contests I entered, I had listened to an audiobook that gave me an idea for a new story.

As of the first of this month, I have entered into this year’s NaNoWriMo. The idea that I had gotten from that audiobook has festered in my head this whole year, and for the past few months I’ve been outlining like a madman because its a story I want to tell.

Until next week

51) The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters. -Also feel this is now addressed

52) Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association? -An idea: Reginald’s source of income has been locked up. Expected to find Rob here, figured Rob would have finances for escape plan, just take his

53) Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish). -Good note – can fix this with Stogey being there as well, and killed by the sicarios (or another cop)

54) Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship. -Very fair note – will need to work in as part of the changes to structure. -Fixed, added an earlier scene where she arrives at the mansion, establishing it, and is greeted by the Sicarios. Believe this also sets up the animosity (along with other scenes of the dire straits she’s in as a result of Rob) toward her husband.

55) Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob. -…Positive? Comment?

56) On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him

apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart. -Fair note – can just cut

57) How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?

58) Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. -These two points are fair. Think I will just keep the second one that he tries to lie and say Rob is dead. Maybe while Reginald is writhing toward his own death

59) What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire? -Fair point – will say its a grenade. Will also make revision to make it clear about the effects of the explosion -Addressed with Miguel shouting ‘Grenadio’ before the explosion.

60) Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human. -Positive. Or just another comment.

61) Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76. -Fair – even I felt I was playing this up too much -Fixed, this should be toned down now

62) It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it. -Positive

63) Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope. -Positive

64) Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80. -Good note – again, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, she appears in multiple flashbacks now.

65) What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them. -Same as above, good note, hope to fix this with changes to the structure -Fixed, we find out he robbed her, left her with nothing and to face the hitmen after him, had a gun pointed in her face, had to sell what little she had to get revenge

66) We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible. -Positive…? Comment?

67) Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84. -Positive

68) Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob. -Positive

69) Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development. -Positive

70) Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here? -Disagree w/ this. Feel like I address it, though will check. -Should be fixed. Added a line from Rob on page one that this was the first place they made love, established this place with this meaning was where the coyote was supposed to pick them up, and have the original line that the owners called him to pick up his junkie daughter.

71) Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94. -Positive

72) Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan. -Positive

73) Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for? -Positive. Do feel I addressed that Axel is in the way of Javy and especially Rocco shooting at Rob with Vicky being used as a human shield.

74) That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One. -Positive

75) I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific. -Fair – though thought I had it, can clarify

76) We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed. -Positive

77) Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter. -Don’t know I agree, but can change -Fixed, just removed it

78) Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108. -Positive

79) The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending. -Positive

26) As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter. -Positive

27) Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this. -Positive

28) The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. -Positive- We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters. -Very fair note- hopefully with addresses to three previous points, this can be resolved

29) Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally. -Positive

30) I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch. -Possibly fair note- will need to read this part of the script and analyze

31) On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line. -Very fair note – will change -Fixed

32) Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either. -Fair note – will revise -Fixed, or at least should be

33) On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub. -Fair note- this could be shown earlier -Fixed, addressed with earlier flashback

34) Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34. -Disagree w/ this – will check the description, but think everything indicates whatever’s in the suitcase is very valuable to Rob.

35) What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it? -Could be a fair point – thought I had set up he needs to get away from Rocco, but I can ramp it up by Rob thinking Rocco is done with Kine and coming out of the backroom, especially with Rob potentially going for the suitcase first

36) Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it. -Note I hope to address in previous note -Feel I’ve addressed this with Rob seeing Kine about to rat him out, and Rocco’s looming shadow in the back doorway

37) The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already. -Will reread, but could be fair. -Agreed when I re-read this for Page Turners, believe I addressed by moving one flashback scene to here, adding another

38) Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men. -Disagree w/ this – there should be signs that Rob isn’t as good as he’s portraying himself

39) The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long. -Will take a look at, see what could be revised

40) The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work. -Positive

41) Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition. -Positive

42) By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this. -Good note- need to clarify why Rob is the scapegoat for everything -Addressed with the new flashback scenes in beginning of the script

43) What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal? -Good note- this could use clarification/rewrite -I had just removed this

44) If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal. -Disagree w/ this, feel I mentioned he has no idea who Rocco is from the start, also the who is this guy through mall

45) Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50. -Could be fair – can probably reword/rewrite “…just need to get to the coyote….just need to get to the coyote…” -Fixed. Addressed this with him being truthful with himself that this isn’t really the case

46) Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely. -Just removed this. Keep a little back and forth with himself later, but this was cut.

47) There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things. -Positive

48) Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened. -Positive

49) With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this. -MAJOR NOTE – this will be something else to address with the structure of the script -Fixed. Addressed this much earlier with those new flashbacks of why Axel and the Senators are targeting him.

50) Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death? -Not really sure what to do about this note

Last week I shared the first notes of feedback I received for my screenplay of Dig Down. The notes themselves were long, but my responses would make them extensive.

In the interest of keeping these posts as short as possible, I’ve broken up my responses into thirds. These were my thoughts on the first 25 notes I received.

1)  Please check your script for spelling and grammatical errors.

2) How is ROB panicky if slumped over the steering wheel? Is he hiding himself until the police car passes? -Small change to address -Addressed, removed panicky (should be evident through actions in the script). Also added he slouches low in his seat to keep out of view.

3) The CALLER ID name ought to be art of description in the formatting, not dialogue unless it’s speaking aloud. Is she phone announcing who’s calling? -Good note to change, had gone w/ this, but minor change to make. (Would cut down on lines as well) -Fixed, added that ‘Succubus calling’ to action. Will read screenplays to see how they handle it. -Additional – removed the Caller ID dialogue throughout the script, added who was calling to action.

4) The set-up of ROB coming to PRESTON for help after a long absence is a strong way into the script. The writer has started us off with several aspects of conflict, which is the best way to get to know our characters and their story. -Positive

5) I suggest being very limited in Rob speaking aloud to himself. It’s exposition. We can see that Rob is struggling with the suitcase so is his dialogue on page 2 necessary? Ideally the scene is set up strongly enough that he doesn’t need to say anything. The tone of the scene and his action and emotional tell a story. -Good note. Can cut -Addressed. Removed dialogue, replaced it with him checking his watch after leaving the townhouse, to mirror him checking his watch when he first arrived as a way to signify the passing of time. Added a shake of the head, to signify he’s not happy about it.

6) On page 3 is this briefcase meant to be the suitcase? -Fair note. Had wondered if I called it by different names throughout script -Fixed

7) Rob’s speaking aloud works on page 3 around HARRINGTON’s chaos. Is there a reason the chaos is there if THE SHARK interrupts Rob’s flow? -Positive

8) I suggest building a bit more around MRS. HARRINGTON’ death. Did she collapse after her jog or did Rob shoot her through the window? Whatever it is, we ought to have a sense of what’s happened, otherwise it’s a bit abstract. -This seems to be a misinterpretation. It’s supposed to be abstract in the moment, but by the end of the film, the audience should know its actually Beverly who Mr. Harrington is saying is dead, who hasn’t been introduced yet.

9) I suggest making it clearer – not just by the time, that the scene with Preston is from earlier before Rob came out with the case. Though the back and forth eventually becomes comfortable, the first time could use a bit of help. We want to make sure the structure of the story works as smoothly as possible. -Fair note. Maybe have Rob check his watch, or town bells chime. -Fixed. Believe I fixed this with Rob checking his watch both before he enters the townhouse and after he is exiting with the suitcase.

10) The scene with Preston ending on page 7 is well written. Rob’s nervous energy works well and Preston listing everything Rob’s accused of, and the national news about him, raises the stakes immediately. This is all good forward moving development. -Positive

11) The Shark gives us some good back story and Rob’s present day danger with EL VOLCAN. Rob has it coming at him from every angle. We don’t get the El Volcan story until Act Three and it could be a bit clearer here – a few lines that intimate his trafficking. -Mostly positive. Fair note to add something to improve clarity. -Addressed. A quick reference that he has a cartel, whose reached has already crossed the border, and that Mexico is considered his backyard.

12) On page 9 it seems like the COP CAR is right by The Shark and Rob. I suggest readjusting this spatially. Can the writer clarify where they are in relation to the two men? -Fair note. Thought I had this explained, but can work on -Addressed. Revised ‘in the distance’ to a specific distance ‘about thirty yards’, and referred to the crowd as the ‘distant crowd’ to remind the space between Rob and them. Added one last reference as they pass the cop car, reminding the distance, saying that that distance is growing, but that its still too close for The Shark’s liking.

13) Is The Shark sounding like that because his jaw is broken? Perhaps note that as it was hard to sound out. -Fair note. Can make a change -Fixed. Added the suitcase crunches his jaw, and that it hangs unhinged.

14) The beat of them understanding what The Shark was saying is great, but they let it go too quickly. STOGEY’s dialogue can be cut back on page 12. I suggest cutting the lines about nicknames right now to keep this exposition clear on page 12. -Will take a look at. Brought up again as a negative, just like Dorrie had said. -Addressed. Removed the mention of the nicknames. Also, gave an explanation as to why they wouldn’t go searching for Rob Moore even though it sounds like this is what The Shark is saying

15) By page 13, we’re wondering is Rob speaking to himself? Is this VO? Is it breaking the fourth way? It’s distracting. -Note. I’ll have to look at this and context throughout the screenplay

16) There is isn’t a strong inciting incident. So much is happening already that there isn’t another beat that comes to focus the script. Stogey believes he could be innocent and that does come up later but it’s not the crux of the story. Because there is continual action in the script, having some clear structural beats would help a story be told instead of just having Rob be chased around. -MAJOR NOTE – Would impact structure of the screenplay. Needs serious consideration

17) Why does Rob say he’s not getting any help from the cops? The cops didn’t believe The Shark and one of them suspects he might be being framed. What did he think they would do right here on page 13? -Could be a fair note – Might be worthwhile to have Stogey make a comment about favoring a promotion rather than justice. -Addressed. Have Stogey pine over the thoughts of commendations for being the one to arrest Rob, also added Rob’s summary that cops won’t be any help because they’re self-serving for their careers, rather than doing their actual jobs.

18) Preston’s dialogue about who Rob was is great character description on page 14. This continues with strong backstory about their working together and Rob changing as he felt neglected by Preston. These conversations between father and son, though ultimately too repetitive, are a great way to tell Rob’s story. -Positive

19) Though their conversation is overloaded it feels as thigh they know it could be the last time they have a chance to get it all out so it works. -Positive

20) Make it clear the conversation between AXEL and Rob is on the phone (through the phone, not o.s.) -Fair note – One of the things I didn’t know about, so don’t mind making this change. -Fixed – also made these changes to rest of conversations over the phone

21) Axel’s plan is laid out on page 18. I suggest adding something like, “thick as thieves” so we see their friendship at the time amidst the page 19 flashback. -Fair note – will add -Addressed – Don’t know specifically where they thought to add this, but added in the action that he tramples over a photograph of himself and Rob smiling. This is intended to indicate they were friendly together, and a visual representation of their relationship now.

22) It’s hard to understand how Rob thinks leaving town will make all this go away. We don’t yet know what’s happened except a politician died. -Could be a fair note – This could tie to the point above about changes to the structure to set up the INCITING INCIDENT

23) There is a bit if a connective scene about VICKI and getting to her and out of town. This is a structural beat that ought to connect with the inciting incident and move this narrative forward. Moving backwards this could help establish the inciting incident around page 11. -Believe this could be a really good note – need to look into

24) The MINIVAN DRIVER’s rage is a great beat saving Rob from ROCCO on page 22. Clever moves and tone. The pacing here is strong as Rob is caught up in all the people in the mall. -Positive

25) Vicky is younger than we thought – a teenager! Her edict to get her ‘medicine’ before they leave puts another stone in Rob’s path on page 25. What does Rob do about this until he encounters REGINALD? How was he going to get this medicine> -Fair note – think this can be resolved by either Rob or Reginald mentioning it again in the mountainside house -Addressed. Will have him dismiss going to get it at this point. It’ll be something he has to do once he loses the briefcase.