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Below is the first notes I ever received for my screenplay of Dig Down:

NOTE: Everything in these notes are suggestions – take what you like and leave the rest. We do not want you to lose your voice in the process of re-writing!

COMMENTS: DIG DOWN is a lot of fun to read and it’s intelligent and clever. One of the strengths of the script is ROB’s continual development until he’s really just one of the worst people ever and it’s fun and tragic to see all the reveals until the end. This is a script where everyone is horrible, except for PRESTON, and no one takes responsibility for their being horrible, blaming Rob. This line to that isn’t always believable even though through his conversations with his father, we understand where Rob sits in the midst of what happened. To go after the money guy when AXEL is clearly the one who manifested most of these crimes doesn’t always jibe but ultimately Rob is so bad himself it doesn’t matter.

The writer doe an excellent job throwing constant conflict Rob’s way and the chase and action scenes are tightly choreographed and quite well written. They’re fun to read, unique at times and seeing Rob get the worst of it is enjoyable. Some scenes like Rob not going back even for a moment to get the gold are puzzling and there are a few plot beats to fill, but this isn’t where any major problems lie.

The biggest issues in the script are structure and occasional character development. Briefly, but importantly, the development of RUTH needs to happen. Her strength and ultimately her fury ought to come, not only from Rob being horrible but by something between the two that is broken. They both hate one another but we don’t know why. Using the one scene that we see of her and showing smaller beats of it earlier so we understand their hatred would really help Then eventually we can realize she’s his wife. That reveal doesn’t need to come sooner, but we need to know the conflict between Rob and this woman.

Though not particularly difficult to follow, the script lacks beats to help the narrative. Because there is a consistent flow of action and movement, the beats that would help structure how Rob ultimately got framed would help. The inciting incident, connective beat and midpoint are all vague or not present. Establishing these as well as cutting back the repetition in the scenes between Rob and Preston (though these are so well written), would help tighten the story and give the reader the narrative beats that keep us engaged and get to everyone emerging in Lake Tahoe a little sooner.

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Please check your script for spelling and grammatical errors.

How is ROB panicky if slumped over the steering wheel? Is he hiding himself until the police car passes?

The CALLER ID name ought to be art of description in the formatting, not dialogue unless it’s speaking aloud. Is she phone announcing who’s calling?

The set-up of ROB coming to PRESTON for help after a long absence is a strong way into the script. The writer has started us off with several aspects of conflict, which is the best way to get to know our characters and their story.

I suggest being very limited in Rob speaking aloud to himself. It’s exposition. We can see that Rob is struggling with the suitcase so is his dialogue on page 2 necessary? Ideally the scene is set up strongly enough that he doesn’t need to say anything. The tone of the scene and his action and emotional tell a story.

On page 3 is this briefcase meant to be the suitcase?

Rob’s speaking aloud works on page 3 around HARRINGTON’s chaos. Is there a reason the chaos is there if THE SHARK interrupts Rob’s flow?

I suggest building a bit more around MRS. HARRINGTON’ death. Did she collapse after her jog or did Rob shoot her through the window? Whatever it is, we ought to have a sense of what’s happened, otherwise it’s a bit abstract.

I suggest making it clearer – not just by the time, that the scene with Preston is from earlier before Rob came out with the case. Though the back and forth eventually becomes comfortable, the first time could use a bit of help. We want to make sure the structure of the story works as smoothly as possible.

The scene with Preston ending on page 7 is well written. Rob’s nervous energy works well and Preston listing everything Rob’s accused of, and the national news about him, raises the stakes immediately. This is all good forward moving development.

The Shark gives us some good back story and Rob’s present day danger with EL VOLCAN. Rob has it coming at him from every angle. We don’t get the El Volcan story until Act Three and it could be a bit clearer here – a few lines that intimate his trafficking.

On page 9 it seems like the COP CAR is right by The Shark and Rob. I suggest readjusting this spatially. Can the writer clarify where they are in relation to the two men?

Is The Shark sounding like that because his jaw is broken? Perhaps note that as it was hard to sound out.

The beat of them understanding what The Shark was saying is great, but they let it go too quickly. STOGEY’s dialogue can be cut back on page 12. I suggest cutting the lines about nicknames right now to keep this exposition clear on page 12.

By page 13, we’re wondering is Rob speaking to himself? Is this VO? Is it breaking the fourth way? It’s distracting.

There is isn’t a strong inciting incident. So much is happening already that there isn’t another beat that comes to focus the script. Stogey believes he could be innocent and that does come up later but it’s not the crux of the story. Because there is continual action in the script, having some clear structural beats would help a story be told instead of just having Rob be chased around.

Why does Rob say he’s not getting any help from the cops? The cops didn’t believe The Shark and one of them suspects he might be being framed. What did he think they would do right here on page 13?

Preston’s dialogue about who Rob was is great character description on page 14. This continues with strong backstory about their working together and Rob changing as he felt neglected by Preston. These conversations between father and son, though ultimately too repetitive, are a great way to tell Rob’s story.

Though their conversation is overloaded it feels as thigh they know it could be the last time they have a chance to get it all out so it works.

Make it clear the conversation between AXEL and Rob is on the phone (through the phone, not o.s.)

Axel’s plan is laid out on page 18. I suggest adding something like, “thick as thieves” so we see their friendship at the time amidst the page 19 flashback.

It’s hard to understand how Rob thinks leaving town will make all this go away. We don’t yet know what’s happened except a politician died.

There is a bit if a connective scene about VICKI and getting to her and out of town. This is a structural beat that ought to connect with the inciting incident and move this narrative forward. Moving backwards this could help establish the inciting incident around page 11.

The MINIVAN DRIVER’s rage is a great beat saving Rob from ROCCO on page 22. Clever moves and tone. The pacing here is strong as Rob is caught up in all the people in the mall.

Vicky is younger than we thought – a teenager! Her edict to get her ‘medicine’ before they leave puts another stone in Rob’s path on page 25. What does Rob do about this until he encounters REGINALD? How was he going to get this medicine>

As it should be, the writer keeps throwing conflict at Rob, now the hitmen, JAVY and MIGUEL enter.

Seeing Rob’s face on all the TV’s a great macrocosm of his being on the run and wanted. There is no way he can escape this.

The scene at the mall is tight and compounds the tracking of Rob. His getting into the new car is a good end to the arc. However, we’re low on story. We’ve got great chase, we got people out for Rob but we don’t know enough about what happened and we’re nearing the plot beat. We’ve been running on the little we know to keep us trusting the interesting tone, pace and characters.

Preston’s continued jealousy and disappointment over Rob’s relationship with Axel informs their father/son feud. This feels well developed and intelligent emotionally.

I suggest clarifying as much as possible – spell it out what the dialogue about Senators and inside trading and how Axel brought clients to the company which brought money and access for Rob. We have all these bits and eventually it’s clearer, but how all this could come back onto Rob alone never quite makes sense. He’s the scapegoat for Axel, but getting there with his face on the news for days, is a bit of a stretch.

On page 32, 8:08PM isn’t DAY in the slug line.

Is Rob speaking to KINE though the window or is he talking about himself who SPEARS needed help from? This dialogue isn’t quite clear either.

On page 33 we finally get some meat so to speak. Spears has a dead hooker in the bathtub.

Kine doesn’t know the extent of Rob dragging the suitcase and it certainly doesn’t mean its anything Kine would want. I suggest reassessing this line on page 34.

What about the Vicodin? How did Rob leave without getting it? Why not get it and give it to him and then Rob leaves? Why would he leave before he got it?

Rob stealing the Cadillac is a great scene but what about the suitcase on page 38. It’s surprising he doesn’t try harder to go back for it.

The conversation between Preston and Rob starts to get repetitive on pages 41-42. We’ve heard this is some away already.

Rob’s line, “I bet you hated that your firm’s perfect record now had a blemish,” feels whiny. On page 43, I suggest Preston go on about the concern for the employees. We see the true difference in humanity between the men.

The conversation starts turning nasty from Rob’s part as he rubs grease on Preston’s couch on page 43. This is actually a bit transition in how he’s handling this situation with his father. He’s losing his ability to stay ‘human’. His excuse, blaming Preston on page 43 feels weak. He hadn’t lost the job, so he brought Axel in and then realized his crimes, which is good development. We understand the conflict; it’s going on too long.

The reveal that the company lost clients when Axel becomes a client, sullying its name and reputations is a big beat. It wasn’t just father/son but the whole expanse of Preston’s life’s work.

Preston admitting he recognizes a call girl after Spears’ arrest and the flashback to her opening the account is well done. Love this transition.

By page 47 Axel used the others investments to bolster his. The company began effectively working for Axel. Axel, as powerful as he is could be taken down. It’s happening more and more these days. The focus on Rob, who is terrible in his own right, feels vague as a scapegoat for ALL this.

What does “With their connections, it would all be legal” mean? Whose connections and how would this all be legal?

If Rob hasn’t known who Rocco is, that ought to have been clearer sooner. Now, on the news, he hears he’s a major mafioso. This can be a bigger beat. This a great arc as it unfolds, so having it be as tight as possible from the beginning is ideal.

Rob being almost done and so close he can taste it is news to us. He doesn’t seem to have gotten anywhere; he’s just running from things by page 50.

Rob’s dialogue when he goes through the gate is confusing. Is he saying this because this isn’t in his name, they don’t know he lives there? That’s unlikely.

There is more good development of Spears and his treatment of woman, his deviant ways, which ultimately shows us the worst of Rob. Building this is important. I suggest cutting the use of his nickname as it just clutters things.

Preston’s speech to Rob on page 55 is excellent. It’s at the midpoint but again, not a structural midpoint. This could be a nice plot beat around page 35, clarifying everything that’s happened.

With all that’s happened with Spears and others, why is Rob so special in all this? How is he the most wanted? This question keeps arising throughout the script because they’d have to all conspire to frame him. We haven’t seen this.

Why does Rob believes he is going to meet the same end as Spears? Burned to death?

The reveal at the bottom of page 57 isn’t one we haven’t heard before. The Senators are involved, and to deter interest in them they give up everyone else, which seems pretty normal for criminals. It does help continue to clarify the unfolding of Rob’s situation, but there aren’t enough narrative beats to the script, just encounters.

Rob isn’t wrong, Reginald was lazy about everything and didn’t protect everyone when it all came down. How then, to Reginald does this mean Rob’s at fault? Guilt by association?

Hastings is a great surprise on page 59. This would effectively be the midpoint beat. The fact that he’s there alone is suspicious (and foolish).

Pages 61-62 with Rob at home with RUTH seeing Spears’ has been murdered feel like a strange transition since we’ve never been here and don’t know her. We feel uncertain as to where we are. I suggest iterations of this scene earlier. We need to have more depth of his and Ruth’s relationship.

Hastings believing Rob is innocent and is hoping to help him moves Rob’s narrative is a potentially new direction on page 64, but alas, only briefly. There is really no way out for Rob.

On page 66, the line ‘Hastings LEAPS back out of their path before they rip him

apart’ sounds like the bullets rip him apart.

How does Hastings say he’s taken Rob into custody? Why is he so obvious about it? Doesn’t he know these guys aren’t going to abide by the law?

Hastings is saying Rob is dead so they can leave; and their job is done? That after saying he’s taking him into custody? That doesn’t make a lot of sense.

What happened on page 71? A grenade? This can be clearer. The floor collapsing and their ending up in the basement is good action but we need the beginning of the motion to be clearer. Are they in the basement or still in the exercise room, on fire?

Rob wanting the gold and allowing the federal medical care to take care of his father is pretty awful on him on page 73. Kinda the final nail for any hope for Rob as a human.

Rob’s change of tone to much too happy to get the gold is awkward on pages 75-76.

It’s a strong scene and kind of amazing that Rob escapes the house because of so many cops and others gathered around it.

Rob doing the coke and calling it their only source of income is a strong scene. He is not free, but he has some hope.

Discovering that Ruth is his wife, makes Rob even skankier, but we ought to have seen Ruth sooner than midpoint and now page 80.

What happened between Ruth and Rob? He hates her and well, she him. we can see lots of reasons why, but we ought to have something most personal to the two of them.

We finally get some clarity around El Volcan providing Vicky’s medicine and having them sell it too. Rob’s involvement with Vicky is this long term way just makes him all the more horrible.

Rob getting knocked out as he enters Vicky’s room is a good beat and end to his “it’ll work’ speech on page 84.

Preston’s speech on page 88 is so well written. It’s on the money and honest and we’re so disgusted with Rob.

Preston’s final words to Rob make us respect him all the more on page 89. Great character development.

Whose house is this that Axel and Vicky and Rob are in in Lake Tahoe? Who alerted Axel to Vicky being here?

Vicky begging to see the cocaine is upsetting, The tone here has hit rock bottom, but this is intense and cinematic. Her father doesn’t care, Rob doesn’t care, she’s a mess. Well done on page 94.

Miguel for the reveal on page 95. Rob had Spears killed and set himself up to traffic drugs for El Volcan.

Everyone descending on the house, now Rocco, all with one goal – to kill Rob – is strong movement towards the end of the script on page 98. What is anyone waiting for?

That paperweight and Preston were destined for one another from Act One.

I suggest clarifying that BEVERLY was Rocco’s girlfriend. This whole are is one of the strongest, but least specific.

We’re rooting for Rocco here. Good action getting everyone out of the way. This is heartless, and well-choreographed.

Did Vicky kill Rocco? Her “d=dead” makes her sound like a little girl. Is she traumatized? It’s hard to get a feel for the stutter.

Vicky, even Vicky, has got it over on Rob. Her clarity of life is great on page 108.

The last few lines ending with “Your father would be very proud of you” made me laugh out loud. A great ending.

It was a nice, relaxing period in February 2023, having submitted my script for Dig Down to three screenwriting contests, each offering some level of feedback. I was both moving forward with my writing career, while being able to take a step back and wait on someone else before I had to do anything again.

I didn’t want this to stretch on for too long, but it was a relief knowing that even though I wasn’t actively writing, there was still some momentum. Things were moving forward. And with that feeling, ideas for new stories started to pop up freely, because I wasn’t trying to force them.

My stance on writing is I never want writing to feel like a job to me. I already have one. I write because I enjoy it. I hope people continue to read my stories because they enjoy them. While this means there may be some stretches where I go without a new idea that I feel is good enough to explore, it also means I avoid the expectation of deadlines and timetables of when people will want the next installment of a series to come out.

For example, if I had started my writing career with a trilogy, I would have had to have had the first two books written, edited, and ready to go, with probably at least a drift of the finale under my belt so that there wouldn’t be too long of a gap between each book.

I enjoy reading though a long-running series, of varying sizes, from trilogies to serials. But these aren’t what I set out to write. If I were to write a series, it would be because the core idea would be too long to naturally fit in one book, and the length of that series would be what I felt was appropriate to capture the ebbs and flows, and peaks of valleys in the best way possible for the reader.

All that being said, I’m also glad that it didn’t take too long for feedback on Dig Down to start coming in. The first contest to forward me notes on my script was from Finish Line Script Competition. After almost a month of being able to take my mind off the adaptation, it was time to get back to work.

In the following week’s posts, I will share the notes that I had received, and then my comments/notes as I began to plan out how to incorporate this feedback.

With my screenplay for Dig Down entered into three screenplay competitions, each with varying levels of feedback, I found myself in a rare position…

I could actually relax.

Going all the way back prior to previous summer, I had been either outlining a new story, writing a new story, and adapting not one but two of my books into scripts and entering them into contests for feedback and exposure. And even then, I still felt I wasn’t doing enough with my writing-mainly because I didn’t have the time with my new position to really flesh out the new book I’d been working on, and new exciting ideas weren’t really forthcoming.

When I decided to stop working on a draft for a new story, I had thrown myself into adapting Dig Down because I felt it would not only serve as an outlet for my writing, but also with my attention on that, I wouldn’t be trying to force a new story idea.

And now that I had drafted, edited and submitted my script into contests, the only thing left to do with Dig Down was wait.

While I did, it allowed me to focus-and enjoy-other things. I’d done what I could to this point for my script. The only thing left at this point was to wait for feedback.

This was great because I have other hobbies and interests outside of writing. Since the pandemic, I’ve been taking courses on coding, and used the time to start developing a small video game. And while I was tinkering with that, I started to learn how to code actions to a controller (these interests always seem to continue to build on themselves). I also started running for the first time in years, only a few laps around an indoor gym. As of this writing, I’m now up to twelve miles, and this weekend, I’ll be running a half marathon for the first time in 6 years.

And a funny little thing happened during this waiting period back in the early months of 2023. While I was listening to audiobooks while first getting my legs under me (and my lungs back into running shape-that felt like a long time coming), a little 3 hour novella about a touring band…

…it gave me an idea for a new book.

The only thing I’ll share for now is that it centers around a band going on tour, the only detail that my story has in common with this audio-novella.

Just like myself, I decided to give you a short break on updates from my screenwriting. I’ll start sharing the feedback that was coming in, next time.

I had a big decision staring me in the face when it came to selecting screenplay contests to enter for Dig Down. These competitions were providing a lot more options and customization for feedback than the horror specific contests I had entered the previous year. It was a good dilemma to have…but it was still a dilemma.

The biggest choices facing me came from the Santa Barbara Screenplay Competition and the Page Turner Screenplay Competition because of the variety of feedback options they offered. Santa Barbara had the most, but it felt like an easier choice to make because of that, and I ended up selecting the option that provided the judge’s score and notes.

Page Turner was the one that posed a challenge to me. There were really only two choices: receive notes on my screenplay, or have an over the phone consultation with the judge who read my script to go over its strength and weaknesses. Similar to the Finish Line Script Contest, there was also a minimum pages of notes and feedback I received.

Page Turner was not the only contest that entered this experience to talk with a professional. Santa Barbara had similar options, from a writer’s room analysis of the script, all the way to a 90 minute live consultation with the head of the contest. However, although it was a cheaper alternative for this level of discussion, I had opted not to enter Santa Barbara this way, as I felt 90 minutes wouldn’t be enough to really cover the script as they indicated, which was line by line (for clarification, I do feel that an hour and a half is ample time to discuss most scripts on a deep level, including Dig Down).

This would be a big commitment though. This option was for several hundred dollars. It was something I could afford to do, but as I’ve said in previous posts, I felt I was still at the infancy of my screenwriting abilities, which was why I was looking for feedback in the first place. Blowing through a lot of cash to find out in depth what I could’ve found out through regular feedback didn’t seem like the best use of my time and money. At the same time, I had just entered two other contests that would be providing me the same level of feedback if I didn’t chose this consultation.

The goal for these multiple entries would be to see if they addressed similar areas that needed improvement, or identified the same positive aspects. Essentially, multiple submissions would help me determine if I was on the right track, and hone in on what needed work.

But at some point, would the notes become redundant? Overkill? Wouldn’t I benefit if some of the feedback I received provided analysis beyond the surface level, and addressed the core of what might be keeping the script from its full potential?

I gave this contest its own blog post because of the weight of this monumental decision. In fact, it was such a big choice to make that even though I had found these contests at the same time, this was the last one I entered. Part of that was because I had wanted to get someone else’s advice on what I should do.

There was a woman I worked with who I had called my career soulmate. We both had the same mindset of the 9 to 5 job that gradually built up a pension you could hope to live off of through retirement. I felt most everyone else I asked would tell me to “just go for it, you only live once,” or “nah, you shouldn’t, that’s a lot of money.” And while those were the two options, I felt that’s where the discussion would begin and end with them, and this decision was too important to base on an instantaneous reaction without any real reflection.

I felt talking to someone who knew me and understood my mindset, and could propose points and pose questions to help me get to the route of what I wanted and should do was what I really needed. Sadly, she was not available as I watched the days tick off the calendar.

I was on my own.

So, I posed this to myself: Yes, I am already getting analysis from other contests. And yes, this option, while providing more than the other forms of feedback, is pricey. But, do I believe in my writing, and in myself? Do I believe Dig Down is a strong story, and that this could be made into a movie one day? And if so, would I then care if I spent a little more than I wanted to at the start of this process?

Essentially, I was asking myself if I believed in myself as a writer.

I submitted Dig Down for the phone consultation.

As I mentioned in my last post, after doing some research, I entered my screenplay for Dig Down to three contests right away. All of them provided some level of feedback, most of them offering several different levels.

This abundance was a good dilemma to have, although it did make me think and really contemplate what to go with. As a for instance, one of the contests I entered, Santa Barbara Screenplay Competition, offered an entry for just the script, an entry where you received the judge’s notes and your score, an entry where you received a writer’s room analysis, an entry where you received academy analysis, and an entry where you received a live consultation and line notes.

It might be easy to say just go ahead and sign up for the most extensive feedback and coverage you can get, but each level of analysis provided has a cost to it. And while I felt very good about Dig Down‘s story as a manuscript, this is a whole other medium I had adapted it to, and one that I didn’t have that much experience with.

Judge’s notes and a score might provide the same level of feedback that the script needed to be polished for this form of entertainment that the live consultation did, and at a fraction of the cost.

So with that, I had to really assess what level I really needed at this stage in my screenwriting career, as new as it was. I felt it was important to get the most bang for my buck.

I ended up going with the following: for the Santa Barbara Screenplay Competition, I went with the entry where I would receive the judge’s notes and a score. I felt the score would not only be an honest and fair assessment of my script and myself as a screenwriter, but based on that score, I’d have a sense of how I fared against the other screenwriters who had not only entered, but a rough idea of where I was at when compared to all screenwriters, my reasoning being a score in the 50s would probably mean I had my work cut out for me, and a score in the 90s probably would mean I could get some interest when I started trying to option my script.

I also entered the Finish Line Script Competition, also receiving a guaranteed minimum number of pages of notes on my screenplay. The last screenplay competition I entered was the Page Turner Screenplays Contest. Just like Santa Barbara, this offered multiple levels of feedback, though not as extensive as Santa Barbara. And just like SB, I had a choice to make – go with the feedback option, where I would receive notes of my scripts, or…go with an option to have an extensive analysis of my script, over the phone with the lead judge of the competition.

It was a tremendous opportunity…but it was the priciest. By far.

But I ended up going with it.

I’ll go into my decision on why I went with that option, next time.

As I mentioned in my last post, with a completed and revised screenplay for Dig Down, I decided the best option for myself was to enter it into screenplay competitions. Yeah, yeah, I know. I might lack some imagination when it comes to figuring out what to do with completed scripts, and I might just be a one trick pony following the same formula.

I felt I was still in the same boat though, not really knowing where I stood in terms of the quality of my screenplay. This medium was still relatively new to me. The only screenplays I’d ever read were three that I’d written, Lock the Doors and Dig Down, as well as an idea that I’d written as a screenplay 17 years ago called On the River, and the script for Crawl, which I downloaded and read when looking for examples of horror screenplays the previous year after submitting Lock the Doors to competitions.

There was still this need for feedback, so I could hone in on what needed the most attention. Screenplay contests themselves would do that as it would compare me against the field of other hopefuls who were also pitching their stories. And, if I could find some contests that offered specific feedback from the judges, that would help my understanding all the more.

I actually found I was throwing myself into the search for competitions more this time around. I think two things greatly contributed to that. The first was, as I mentioned way back in my posts about finding contests for Lock the Doors, I’d entered one, that felt I’d been lackadaisical, letting a week go by before entering another, and even when I entered two more, I had this unshakeable feeling that it was out of guilt for not pursuing it more aggressively sooner.

I guess I wanted to avoid the rut of following a bad habit.

The other aspect that I think contributed to entering more contests was that Dig Down wasn’t horror, and I felt actually fit with what a lot more contests might be looking for. While studios will always be looking for horror projects because they are cheap to produce, they don’t fare well against all the other genres out there in film competitions. However, something like Dig Down, which while a chase story, has a lot of depth to it, could hold its own against other entries. That alone meant there were more options for Dig Down to enter.

I ended up finding three contests, all of which offered not only feedback, but varying levels of feedback. This, in itself, left me with some decisions to ponder. I knew I needed notes, but what level of criticism and analysis was right for me?

I’ll explore the details of the options I was posed with, next time.